Dear future me,

I relapsed today. Dad got mad I wasn't doign chores so he threw my school bag down the stairs and slapped me. 2 of my pins broke in the process. So I need to fix that. I used sharpener blades to cut, after all, mum's confiscated all sharp objects that could cut. She doesn't know you can take the blades out of sharpeners. I am so tired it's like my eyelids are sagging and I can't lift them up. I am dating Lola, are you still dating Lola? Is things better than now?
Mandarin class is going amazing I guess, we have Miss Zhao, she's sweet but strict. But more sweet than strict.
I really want to email Roger and tell him about what happened. (minus the bit where i relapsed)
I wish he would respond but I can't blame him cuz he has his A level exams and stuff. And nobody checks their outlook that much. I have peer mentoring tomorrow, so at least I don't have to wait like a week or something. My cuts hurt so bad right now. I bandaged the worse cuts, but to be general my cuts weren't that bad, after all, I don't know how to get the blade deep yet. Cuz this was my first time using it.
Are we leaving the UK? Cuz I don't want to. I want to continue mandarin, and I want to be with Lola. I just love her so much I don't think she realizes it. I want to kiss her but Amelia is always there with us. I will try to hold her hand soon. I've been stalling it for ages.
I really want to email Roger. I know he'd be able to help. Besides, I don't think I could bring myself to say it tomorrow in person. Text feels safer. I'm writing an email for him right now. I am crying. So weak. I need to shut up and just write it already. I can't cry I can't cry I can't cry I can't cry!!! Sis will probably come in this room
And she's here now. I don't think I look like I'm crying so I think it is fine.
How am I even gonna write the email?
'Hey Roger my dad got mad at me for not doing chores so he threw my bag down the stairs and my pins broke and now I'm crying'
'Hey sorry to keep emailing you but I don't feel like I can say this in person tomorrow but I'm very upset rn cuz my dad got mad at me and threw my bad down the stairs and my pins broke'
I CAN'T JUST FUCKING SAY THAT.
I'M SO FUCKING SICK OF THIS. DAD IS ALWAYS LIKE SAY SORRY SAY SORRY AND HE NEVER FUCKING APOLOGISES HIMSELF. HE HIT ME. HE THREW MY BAG. HE SHOUTED AT ME. HE'S ACTING LIKE A FUCKING KID.
I am going to cry again, I need to stop. I mean, I've already relapsed what else do I do to cut the pain? Kill myself? No, I like life. Well, I don't like my home life but I love Lola too much to leave her. I should email Roger. Before I do something more to myself.
I want to be in Westbrook. With Lola. Everyone in Westbrook is so nice and kind and everyone in my class are fucking brats (other than Avneet, Hargun, and Lily)
I can't just tell Roger this. I've got detention again tomorrow.
Email draft till now:

Thing I need to talk about

Sorry for constantly emailing


That's all I've got. I need to continue my email I need to send it but what's the point if he's never gonna read it? What's the point if I'm just going to have to say it in person? Will he even bother to respond to it?
Wtf are you thinking he's literally your peer mentor he's meant to comfort you

Because everyone here sucks at comforting. I guess he's good at comforting but honestly Clara was the best.
I texted her and said I didn't want to call today because of what happened. I don't want her to comfort me either. I didn't help her so I don't deserve help.
Okay, how do I word this email?
'Oh hey my mental health is starting to suck again, relapsed cuz my dad threw my bag down the stairs and broke two of my pins and made me cry so what do i do lolz dont tell anyone'

ugh
i wanna fucking cry again
but i cant cuz sis is in room.

I'm done the email and I sent it. Idk when he'll respond. Probably either 10:30pm today or 7am tomorrow. That's his like usual time to respond.

This is what I sent:

Sorry for constantly emailing you but idk I don't feel like I can talk about it n explain the whole thing tmrw in person. It feels safer in text for some reason. I'm just kinda upset right now idk it may not seem like a big deal but it kinda is for me
My dad got rlly mad at me for not doing chores cuz I was stitching something on my bag so he threw it down the stairs and two of my pins broke and they are so hard to make now I'm gonna have to spend the rest of the afternoon fixing them because I know it sound weird but I can't go to school without them on my bag because it just feels weird and I have so much homework to do for some reason I didn't see it was there and I already have a detention tomorrow for being late again for some reason even though I wasn't even late today I came at 8:33pm and how does mrs sayers even know I was late i literally passed the school gates n was there for the register on time so im just very mad tired and sad
That's all

That's it. That's all I really want to say to you. Stay strong girly <3 I love you so so so much. Know that Lola loves you. Clara will still love you even if things went wrong. People care about you, I care about you. Keep living and heal <3

Are you alive?

Bye,
November 5th you,