Dear FutureMe,
It seems like I have decided July to be the month of letters to the future creation I'll become. Last year I sent the letter on July 16 and today is July 15 formally, but the world is big and somewhere it is July 16 and there is no time at all in black holes, so what we call time is just a distraction and excuse and sometimes something to scare careless and happy people with. And besides the clock hands have caressed 12 AM for a long time now, so the distraction says it is July 16.
You know how much I hate typing on computer, it makes the intimacy between words and writer disappear and I feel very artificial right now, but I can't quite write this letter on the paper and throw it away like a boomerang. So learn this from me, it's okay to use the option you hate to do the thing you love.
I have a lot of writings to finish, one of them started a year ago, and Jane Austen's 'Emma' to read, but it is too hard to not follow what your heart desires as it is hard to know what it wants. I do not give any second thought to what I am writing, I want to let it flow like a jungle river, so you'll remember who you were as I am certain you are not me anymore. After reading many letters of former writers to their teen-selves, I so very much wanted to contact you and remind you of the things you worry about from time to time. I wish you could write me too, so you could tell me some things and shake me out of my misery I tend to fall in a couple of times a day. Whenever I text or write to anyone I feel anxious and desperate and clingy that they won't answer me back, but this time I hope I will not get to feel any of these things. There will be a day when you will write me back here but that will be a time when I'm not here anymore. It's kind of sad though. But maybe we don't get to know anything about the future because we are the hand that has to write it. I will certainly try to write you well, but you need to promise me that things are okay there, that you are over all the insecurities you suffer from back here, that you have surrounded yourself with people who deserve and appreceite you, that you still let your imagination run wild and climb higher Everest than known to the human race, that you found or still try to find your passion and make sure that you follow it, that you still hate money and never ever do a job you hate just for money, that you still understand that fitting in doesn't mean not being yourself, that you are ambitious and never ever give up but also manage to know when you've had enough, and above all promise me you never stopped writing. I hope it got easier for you to move on with your life and simply cut off negative people from your heart and mind. I hope you know the bond between defending yourself from getting hurt and getting close to people. And maybe you are not so afraid of falling in love anymore. I am now. And I know why, but I can't help that 'why' being there. That 'why' is still there with a lot of its companions and they all make me wonder will I ever be able to love and do I deserve to be loved. Being brave and being fearless are two very different things. I'm brave but not fearless, because I'm afraid of so many things; one of the biggest one is love and all about it. Please tell me that this is pointless, that you have an arm to rest your head on and that that arm isn't your own. Please tell me that when something goes a little bit not right your thoughts don't make you freak out. Please tell me that you finally know your self worth. Please tell me that you think you look great, because I don't, not because I do not look great but because I think I don't and that makes me look worse than I am ought to. Self confidence means a lot and I have none when it comes to my appereance, I hope it hitchhiked with you somewhere along the way. Please tell me that things go right with you because now left seems to be the only direction. I have always wanted to be left handed but I never was and never will be so things are meant to be go right with me because right is the only way I can do, but they do not. I'm well aware that I'm overreacting but feelings are something you can't help, they are the way they are and the only thing you can do about them is to feel them and try to enjoy them in some way; if they were meant to be controlled they wouldn't be called feelings. I know that I should be excited about going to America and having my dream come true, about finally being independent. But since I've known it for a while it just gets less and less thrilling. When you are near the finish line it doesn't seem so out of reach anymore and at some point it loses its meaning and you kind of lose the interest. But I'm there now. I have run a lot and there's no going back now. I have to make it to the finish line and cross it with a strong step. And then maybe the adventures are about to begin. I know you've been through this already and the adventures I'm writing about are probably the memories living in your journal, and I hope you lived every moment with its fullest right then and there, I hope you made sure to laugh heartedly and loudly when there was something funny, and cried shamelessly with whines if there was anything that made you cry, and were not afraid to shout out your opinions about everything, and let people see the real you, and did not give Subby the right to spoil anything for you.
I know it will sound weird, but I hope you still have your infinite charming sadness with you, I really think it very poetic and it is. So I hope that if you get sad, you get real sad and let the sadness take you to the overwhelming world and then write a lot about it. Whatever you're feeling just wirte, write, write about it. Write without shame and censorship. Just write about your imagination and feelings. Just write. Write.
Please make things work out for this sad, desperate sixteen year old girl who is writing a letter to you from her blue bedroom at two in the morning as the distraction ticks and ticks without catching its breath and so this girl is slowly becoming you.
Please be better than I imagine you can be.
Wish you happiness, joy and laughter,
Love always,
Nicky.