Dear Myself,

Today is a fucked up day. You smash a plate to your cat, Darwin, and one of your favorit low cup with a little flower on the side. There is half of tea in it, but you smash it later. Not toward your cat because he ran away after the plate break and the small pieces got everywhere. You worried about how your cat doing so after that, you were looking for him. He is okay.

Dear me, myself, my lovely self, my perfect but broken self, how are you today when you read this letter? Have you been doing well?

So, what happened exactly this day? You lost your control, Darling. And thats so dangerous. Some break down and such, you realize that your cat truly care about you. Because when you cry, he move from his spot and lay his body under your legs. So, he truly care huh.

I hope he is still alive. I wish for him a happy, content, and long life.

Dear, Me. Do you finally get better? Because, I dont know whats on the future. This time, actually, I dont know how to live my life anymore. Because, well... This messy situation. Which is messier than ever.

Like...

Whats gonna happen to us? Im scared. You scared. I want to run from this life, from this feeling and from everything. Day to day, its not getting better. Myself, the family situation, mom and dad. Its getting worse. And all of that is my fault. I know Im not a daughter my parents should had. I dont know why Im here. Is it for suffer, to make my mom suffer, to punish my dad? I dont know. Im clueless about how I am going to live the day of tomorrow.

Im suffering. God should help me. God should end me.

Anyway, here is the deleted message for Imanuel Bramantio :
[26/10, 23.27] Ella Rinjani: Because if I die, my mom will suffer
[26/10, 23.30] Ella Rinjani: She always trying to do her best but, I dont know. She doesnt deserve all of this, and I too, dont deserve all of this. I want to kill myself but in conclusion that it will make my moms life easier. But, that will not happen. So I stay.
[26/10, 23.32] Ella Rinjani: But for staying is also making me sick. I am sad, but I feel like I cant be sad because that will make my mom sad
[26/10, 23.34] Ella Rinjani: I cant wish for my dad to be gone because for our family to be wrecked will also hurt my mom
[26/10, 23.37] Ella Rinjani: I dont know what to do with my life because I dont know how to live with family like this. Im tired for always telling my mom that I cant live like this. And she cant live like this forever. This is toxic to the core.
[26/10, 23.41] Ella Rinjani: And she cant always pretending that everything will be okay. My dad would never act better. Something in his brain is broken and that is something we never could fix. And because of that, something in my brain is also broken and I dont know if anyone could fix it. Thats what happen when you are together with something rotten for so long.

I dont know what should I wish for you, but a better thing for every aspect in our life. I love you. No. I love and hate you at the same time. I hope you die.

Your forever broken version,
Yourself.