Dear FutureMe,
Today, you're writing this at 2:24 AM. You just finished watching the docu series of BTS entitled Break the Silence. It's a 5 episode series but it felt like it just pierced my heart to its very core. BTS has been teaching you to love yourself, not just what you think is good but also, what you've been avoiding for so long to accept. It's raining outside, so, these kind of realizations kind of started.

The sound of rain against the roof is like white noise that enslaves you with your own thoughts. I was really scared before being alone with these thoughts cause it brings me to something that it pitch black and it keeps on suffocating me. Thoughts of not being in control of what's happening to me right now. Thoughts of being better off in this world since it seems like there's no future anymore. Nothing to look forward to since it's all in chaos. I pray so hard to God that this ends soon. I miss everyone so much that it kills me inside. I miss seeing their smiles whenever I make a joke or I make fun of myself. It's what fuels me to go further. I am not a person who dreams so much in life. I just want to exist to make people happy. I want to create to make people create as well. I want to a ripple effect to others so they'd know or realize what real happiness is. How to be loved. What is companionship. What is the meaning of existence.

This, day by day, is what BTS have been teaching me. Before, I have my eyes focused on others only. Never on myself. Because I thought I wasn't that important and that as long as I make someone happy today, my bucket would just be filled and that is enough. Now, that I had sometime thinking alone, I didn't know that I also had to focus on my own self, and not be afraid and understand myself and learning to love it. It has been a scary journey so far and each day is a struggle. But I always try to fight being succumbed to those negative thoughts. So I try to pat my back at the end of the day, that, hey, you did a great job today.

In the video, Kimin mentioned that he learned something from RM to try to listen to whichever words you say to someone. It makes you more conscious, I guess, that you're conveying a message to someone. Makes you aware that this message might affect someone and at the same time it also affects you. I just realized that most times, people don't do this. They usually want to be heard only. Listened only. But they don't understand how exactly those words can affect someone. They don't usually listen to themselves. Now, I realize that it is important in understanding yourself. Not just by listening to your words, but also trying to realize how your actions, overall, might be a ripple effect to someone.

That's why starting this weekend, I have realized to complete the following projects:
1. Create a painting collection for Emerging Artist Platform so I can convey my message thru my artwork. My creations are all about finding yourself in those paintings. I love that it is abstract which means that it doesn't follow any rules in interpretation or placing any meanings in it. I want the audience to interpret it on their own, depending on the feelings and memories they imagine while looking at it. It is in that realization that the purpose of the painting is achieved. It's as if it's a photo that would remind you of a memory, take you back to that particular moment. In these series of paintings, it's gonna be a set of memories, jumping back and forth from one another and give that feeling of nostalgia cause of immersing yourself into the painting, being one with the painting.

2. I'll be creating a lyric book for BTS that would contain the very best and poetic english lyrics of their songs/creations. I will try to make each page a painting of mine. Currently, Im considering buying a digital drawing tab so I can create a better looking backgrounds. But I am still not sure. I need to check with Youtube on how watercolor like paintings can be done digitally. It's gonna be my way of thanking BTS in helping me understand myself and overcoming my anxiety and depression.

Right now, I am okay with myself.
I am still afraid of my anxiety and depression but is more accepting of myself than before. I have accepted that it is okay not to be okay.
I will not loose myself in this lockdown yet Ill use this time to look for myself and refine my purpose in life.