April 19, 2021
Dearest April 19,
Hi April! Happy birthday!
You’re 18 now and you’re sad. Currently, you are in your room. Do you even have a room? Remember your favorite worn out white shirt? You are wearing that now while you’re in front of your laptop screen, crying. A sad song of Frank Ocean ‘dear april’ is playing on the background. You know, to set the mood, of how unhappy you are now. You made a playlist last night, composed of songs namely; ‘happy’ from a random artist in spotify, Anne Marie’s ‘birthday’ and Lumineers’ ‘april’. You almost spent your night listening to Katy Perry’s ‘birthday’. It’s good tho, you cried to sleep last night. You woke up horrible. Your chest is very heavy and the first thing you wanna do that morning was to cry. Yes, you cried.
Your mom greeted you early in the morning and you ignored her. You have been ignoring her a couple of days now. You don’t know why, but lately you really hate someone mentioning your birthday. Your mom kept on reminding you your birthday and that stuff that we needed to prepare something… in the end, she didn’t do something today. She’s all talk. Currently, you hate her, I will not even filter that. That’s what you are feeling right now. I hate everyone! I hate this day! I hate my birthday!
A couple of people greeted you. Actually, days ago you set your birthday in private. You don’t want people mentioning your birthday and you are probably doing it until now. These certain people who greeted are the ones who really know you. Every time I receive their greeting I would just tear up. God! I am so emotional! Honestly, I haven’t stop crying since last night. Another thing, I actually deleted my facebook app, I don’t want to get any notifications from that app.
Maybe it’s a aries-taurus cusps thing and influence from social media. Honestly, I really want a nice debut for my eighteen birthday, or a decent one. But I didn’t get anything today. I don’t even have a cake. All I ate today is instant noodles, a piece of shitty bread with ants on it, junk food and this unopen yakult beside me (probably gonna drink it after writing this). I feel so ugly! So shitty and sad. I’m lonely! I hate my life. I know I kept telling everybody that I don’t want debut but I honestly want that. I don’t even want a grand one, I just want to feel special today, but I feel horrible that I wanna commit suicide. I feel so sad, I don’t know want to do. I even passed a half-baked essay because I don’t feeling myself anymore. I am miserable.
I want my eighteenth birthday memorable but they didn’t do anything for me to make it a little bit special. My chest is really hurting right now, I don’t think I can hold back my cry. Because if I will ever have a daughter, I would do anything to make this day special but they… they didn’t even try anything. I don’t know what to do, I want to scream!
I want a tattoo. I will get a tattoo, with or without their permission. Staring now, I am doing everything for myself. Solely myself. This certain situation is the proof that all I have is myself. I need to love myself. I know going to be okay, but this not the day. I just need to cry more. I just need to cry.
April, 19 years old. What course did you take? Psychology? Ye, because you are a coward. Education? Because you want that stable shits. Engineering? Because you are pressured. Nursing? Because your mother told you. Vet? Dentistry? Ye because u don’t want to listen to you mom.
I hope that you blew your cake today because you didn’t get the chance to do it today. I hope you got that elegant pink cake and you ate it yourself. Please, tell me you did that! What if you spend your birthday alone starting now? Make it a tradition to spend your day to yourself. Get a tattoo, pamper yourself, climb a mountain, travel alone. I love you! Happy birthday!

Love,
April 18