remember this..

Old Friend,
“How do I love? And how do I want to be loved back?” I was asked that question but I was not able to give my answer. I was totally astounded by what seems to be the most difficult question I have encountered so far. All day long I was trying to find the answer, an answer so truthful and purely from the heart. Every morning when I wake up and every night before I go to bed, even took me days to finally find the answer. But before that, old friend, my memories went back to that day the moment I was asked that question. I glimpsed through the past, the day when he came into my life. Have I told you this story, my old friend? I believe I haven’t. It is a story which I have never told anyone. Nonetheless, I have already decided to tell you.
Back when the days of the months seemed to be on fire, the sun rises to illuminate the world with its raging fire, or simply saying it was the summer season, I was in the city. I thought that would be the saddest summer I’d have. You see, I have always spent summer with my family and friends back in our hometown. Every summer of the past years I have always had a blast – silly stuffs done, adventures, fun stories I can share with my friends in the city. But that year turned out to be different. That summer, I met that person. I was with my friends and he was also with his friends. At first, I did not notice him. Whenever I remember that first meeting, it felt like I was in the center of a big room and he was at the far corner and in between us are oceans of faces. It felt like he wasn’t there at all. That was why I never expected to like him. It took long for me to finally realize that I have grown quite fond of him. I mean, my days before our two worlds met were as dull as the absence of any color. I was like a robot trapped in a human body. My daily routines are marked, my laughter limited, my emotions were in constant tediousness. Everything around me seemed to be in black and white. I was lifeless! And when that person came into my life? I can see every touch of rainbow! The blood that has been drawn out came back to its vessel that has been emptied for long. Have you ever had that feeling, old friend? Like you were brought to life?
Believe me when I say that I never knew I was that empty until that person came into the picture. I am not saying that I have never liked someone before because in all honesty, I have. Before I met him, I was still stuck up in my past. I had a friend, let’s just call him 4years, whom I hold so dearly but we were never meant to be. I looked up to him but he was looking the other way. That friend only sees me as nothing but someone he knows well. But when this person came along, I was finally able to loosen the rope I tied with my past. I did not use him to forget my bitter past, old friend. I mean, it just happened. He was already in my heart before I knew it. Whenever I think of the past, of that friend I treasured for long, my heart aches no more for it longs for the one who appeared in front of me. That summer brought along the new beginning. That summer brought him into my life. And from that moment on, when I decided to hold onto my words so firmly that as long I don’t have an acceptable reason to let go, I will always look up to him like no one in this lifetime can ever turn my world upside down. As long as I continue on breathing, I will treasure no one but him as if he is the only picture worth a thousand words. I will always look at his way as if I’d be lost if I lose sight of him. His face I can always see whenever I close my eyes. You may say that my thoughts are always full of him because it can be true. I don’t want to deny that fact no matter what other people say. Because only in my mind I can say his name many times I want. And only in my heart I can love him freely.
It can be a one-sided affection. But don’t worry, old friend. We’re friends. People can say that what happened before is still happening right now. But I tell you this time, it is different. I can tell because I am willing to take a risk. I am willing to prepare for any contingencies if I must. However, old friend, even if I say that I am still afraid of him looking at me in a romantic way. For the mean time, I would not wish for him to finally look my way because I still don’t know what is ought to be done if ever that happens. I am afraid maybe because no one has ever returned my feelings before and if this time there will be changes, I won’t be doing good in coping up.
Anyway, I am contented looking at him in a distance. For now, at least. I still need to fix myself of my inconsistencies and reluctance. I know it is normal but I still haven’t found a way to handle it well. If I mess up, I don’t want to drag him down with me. If I’d lost my way, I don’t want him losing his own sight. I don’t want him to carry that burden with me. That would be the last thing I would want, old friend. I am pretty sure you understand the idea of not letting the one you love suffer. I can still endure seeing him looking the other way if that makes him happy. But hopefully, someday our paths will cross again. And hopefully, it won’t be too late for us.
I think this will be all for now, old friend. This is just the beginning of my story. Moreover, even if I just recently met him when I realized my feelings for him, I think I’ve learned a thing or two. I’ve learned that despite my inconsistencies in life and the reluctance I often have in myself, I am a hundred and one percent sure that he is that one man capable of making my heart skip a beat, making it beat so loud I can almost hear it, and is also probably capable of making it bleed. Another thing is that, when your heart beats for someone, never say he’s not worth it. Whoever it is or whatever he is, he is that person you chose to love so looking down on that person is like questioning your capability to love someone.
Old friend, you don’t have to own the person to love him. That’s what I believe in.

Moon