Dear future self,

Where ever you are, whoever you are, and whoever you are with, I truly and honestly wish you are happy. Right at this moment, I am not in the best place of my life. I am in a very confusing place. I'm at the wrong school, York University, and in the wrong program meeting the wrong people. I've learned so much about people when I came to York. I've learned that most people are selfish, jealous, and fake. It is almost impossible to find a true friend or a true relationship, especially in this generation. I notice a lot about myself. I think very differently from others, and I am definitely not a follower. I like to ask questions, I'm curious, I look for very deep and meaningful relationships, I'm quite emotional, I'm very kind, maybe a little too kind for this world, I like to seek change in the world, I am very strongly attached to my beliefs, and I'm scared, but also very courageous. If that makes any sense.

One major problem I am facing at this moment is that I am depressed. I know living alone on your first year on residence is tough, but boy, I never thought it would be this shitty. I feel as if all of my friends have walked all over me. One in particular, always tries to bring me down, and often mocks me and calls me “ugly” and “fake” by throwing words at me. I’ve also dealt with problems at home, my mom could lose her house any day, and ken wants to make a lawsuit on her. I’m dealing with my sister turning into a Goth, my brother who is suicidal, and a bipolar/Schizophrenic Step Father. I am also dealing with a lot of stress with the wrong program choice school and money problems. I tried explaining to my friends that I go through a lot but they seem like they are pretending to care. People don’t care. They’re selfish. That’s why the world is how it is. I’ve learned to drink my problems away. Every weekend was a “turn up” with alcohol, weed and kissing random guys. It was the only way I could pretend to be happy and escape my fears. I don’t actually want to party every weekend, don’t want to become a drug addict, but I feel as if I am going towards that path because I can’t even imagine a sober weekend with a couple of friends. Hopefully, by now I have changed, and it hasn’t gotten worst. I know God is mad at me. But it’s hard. And I’m only just one naive girl trying to find my place in a field of sheep.

Right now, I am applying to art colleges and universities in Toronto. I don't want to give up on my dream to live in Toronto. Although I've met some people who did me wrong there, that does not give me an excuse to give up. My mom, AKA my biggest fan, has told me that just because something doesn't go right don’t mean you should give up. Who cares? Get up and try again, because it's not always going to turn out bad. How many celebrities have been told no? But they still make it. Don't be afraid. Get up, live, and make the best of your moment. My mom has been there for me through thick and thin. I hope that you still recognize this. She is such a loving caring mother that I don't know what I'd do without in my life. Without her, I'd probably end up committing suicide. She encourages me to grow, to think, to be myself and to be open minded.

I also want to remind you about my friends. Hopefully, the three people I trust the most are still in my life and that there are more to come. Like I've said, I look for true and deep relationships, and I find it hard to let someone go. I don’t get bored of people; I just find new ways to experience life with them. I learned that especially moving to somewhere different my friend group will change. The people that I first met in High school are not my closest friends. They come in disguise, they come when you don't see them coming, but it’s a pleasant surprise. Hopefully, you have a few more that you can name on the top of your head.

One of the highlights of being 18, was going to Jamaica during the summer of 2015. Here, I found love with a particular guy. I'm sure I'll remember growing up in a fairly abusive family. My dad abused my mom verbally and physically while she was pregnant with me, and hopefully today, he's at least apologized. Wow... do I really expect that? Anyway, I've also have been sexually abused by my step father Ken, and watched him also verbally and physically abuse my mom. I've watched my close friends be stepped on by boys they thought loved them, I watched tears roll out of their eyes. It made me HATE men. It made me SCARED of men. But little did I ever know. That this guy that I met in Jamaica gave me something to think about. It’s extremely hard to explain but something about him and the way he did things made me feel different. I've never really experienced having feelings for someone. When I left Jamaica, tears could not stop rolling down my eyes. My feelings towards him confused me and scared me.

I have also learned and discovered that I want to experience what it means to love. Even if it means that I have to deal with a heart-break. I want to find that perfect person for me who will love me for my goofiness, kindness, emotional and curious self. Hopefully, where ever you are, God has sent that person to you, or is preparing to send that person your way. You deserve someone who understands you and treats you well. I’ve had a hard time really loving myself, especially my skin color. I often think that no one would ever want to be with someone my colour. I don’t know if I still think this way, but hopefully, someone or something has taught me to love myself regardless of what society thinks.

Lastly, at this age one of my biggest dreams is to help my mom make her cake/interior decorating business a reality. I am very multi-talented in the Arts and hopefully, my skills have done some justice to this dream. If not, don’t stop working on it! I guess the biggest question I have for myself now is where are you now? Are you happy? Have you found love? Are you still working on that dream? Have you changed? All I hope for is that you are in the right mindset with the right people, and with the right kind of love.

Here is my New Year’s Resolution List. This was for 2016, the year that I am writing this letter to you:

My top 10 resolution list
1. Realize that no one knows you better than you do (no horoscope, no test, no other person, no birth order…)
2. Love yourself and put yourself before others (who ever knew being selfish is a good thing in this world?)
3. Don’t be too nice now. (Unless you want to be stepped all over on)
4. You don’t need to be told that you are beautiful in order to believe it (you are beautiful because you are)
5. Keep the friends you can trust the most closely. (You’ll thank them in the future)
6. Turn your back away from negativity. (Positive vibes only)
7. Let go of anger from the past and focus on creating a better future. (It’s not healthy to be angry)
8. Be humble. (Nothing in life is permanent, stay humble)
9. Travel more. (Helps with open-mindedness)
10. Don’t waste your life spending it with the wrong people (because it proves that they are beneath you)

Hopefully, these things on the list have been accomplished in some way. Hopefully, I am stronger now, and I look back at this letter and smile to myself and think that I have grown from this experience.

Sincerely,

An 18-year-old girl in distraught