Dear future Sarah, 12/6/18

Hi future Sarah! I could lie and say I love you but tbh I'm pretty contempt with hating myself at the moment. lol.
I've been writing myself a lot of letters to myself for the future and I realized I usually just repeat myself about where I hope I am and what I hope I'm doing with my life. So I figured I'd just cover love and my emotions in this letter. By the time you get this you should be turning 18 tomorrow! so that's pretty cool. I hope you're having a party because you deserve one even though I know you hate birthdays and usually try to but it on the back burner but I want you to do something for yourself and celebrate yourself. I know you have a habit of hating yourself and being the biggest bully you know because you always hate on yourself. I'm not sure what you look like now but while I am writing this you weigh like 104lb and and are very skinny considering you weight to height ratio, I hope you start getting fit and toned because I want you to be happy but healthy and accepting of your beauty. This past weekend I cut out soda from my diet so I'm hoping it goes well and I can cut an unhealthy item form my life permanently. I guess I should get to my main point but I feel the need to mention that this is the third time I am writing this letter, I tried to write it Tuesday but when I tried to copy it so I could save it but I accidentally pressed "paste" instead and pasted over it. So that happened again today and it's taking a lot of effort to re write this letter for the third time. But in case you forgot the other letters you have written for the future should be in a black fabric box on your shelf a long with birthday cards. Well that is where they are now and you are supposed to be moving summer of 2019 so they will most likely be somewhere else.

Okay well I guess I should get on with the love and emotions topic if I ever want to finish this letter.

I'm currently 16 and I've never had a boyfriend which is bit depressing for a 16 year old girl to have to say about herself. I mean there was one guy at HSA summer of 2018 that I think I clicked with. He was in my "Public speaking and persuasion" class and he sat at the table across the room from me. On the day we had to debate after we had both went he spammed my phone with 100 selfies of him and my friend George who was in my family group at HSA. I think it was the next day I was playing poker in the lobby with a few other people and eventually Hayden joined and we played against each other for awhile and then we went up to the third floor and watched the bee movie with like 15 other people and we talked about old tv shows we watched as a kid and he leaned on my shoulder for like 2.0 seconds at one point, that was the same day HSA ended and I followed him on instagram once we left and it took him like 3 days to accept it and follow me back. However it is currently December of 2018 and I noticed he follows a lot of brunettes on instagram and girls who resemble me so it could be possible he just has a certain type and was looking for someone to flirt with for a couple days. Which I mean would make sense because guys nowadays just want to play, play, play. Which sucks but I shouldn't make any assumptions about him since I barely know him and Im acting like I do. Anyway, I hope I see him at HSA 2019 which I plan to take a plane to and maybe get to know him better. I should also mention that his name is Hayden

I may not have ever had a boyfriend but Hannah has. She dated Timothy for like 4-5 years and they broke up this year which unsurprisingly hit me like a bag of bricks, I guess I saw it coming though. She had broken up with him before because of offensive things he had said and they got back together a few weeks after. Honestly. Im not too thrilled about Hannah dating other guys. I was so used to Timothy and comfortable with him his family was so amazing. I think part of it was because we grew up with them in the church because both our moms worked there. I remember playing with her nerf guns against him when I was supposed to be doing my school work and my mom getting mad at me which is another story for a different letter. I'm really going to miss his older sister Tabitha. I looked up to her a lot mainly because we both wanted to become doctors and wanted to go to medical school and with her being like 5 or 6 years older than me I wanted to follow her footsteps into college and medical school because she would have the experience. I remember when Tabitha and Timothy stayed at my house for a few days because Mom, Dad, Hannah, and Samuel went to college station for a 4h thing and I stayed behind. I remember when we made spaghetti at like 12am because we saw a show on TLC make some and we got a craving for it and we actually went to Walmart to buy meatballs lololol. I'm really gonna miss his family. And his dad had surgery this year to remove a cancer in his jaw bone they ended up replacing the cancerous bone with a bone from his knee. They cut from under his chin to his ear and hd to remove part of his lip to my knowledge. He also has to go to therapies to re-learn how to swallow and talk ect. I also heard he was undergoing radiation. Leading up to Hannah and Timothy breaking up I would ask "How's Timothy's dad? Is he doing okay after the surgery?" and the answer was always "I don't know" because they hadn't been talking as much as they normally do and she never asked I guess. If there is one thing Timothy taught me is to have high standards. Im not saying that because of how he treated my sister or something but because he literally told me "Sarah have high standards" and so that's what I've been learning to do. I hope by the time you get this you will have had some contact with his family and Tabitha.

And now to talk about Mariano, I don't really want to talk about him, but I'm making myself anyway.
Mariano was the closest thing I ever had to a boyfriend. Recently this year I blocked him and cut off all communication I had with him. Honestly I couldn't handle being his crutch between stability and an endless pit of depression which I assume I made his depression worse after I left. I can't lie that sometimes I do miss the strangely sexual and hilarious conversations we had for hours. I just couldn't handle us being in different states and talking with him online didn't work out. It was stupid of me to fall for him anyway. Did you actually think you could get away with lying about your race? You practically catfished him. I remember I would day dream all the time about being on a cruise with him, wearing a short red cocktail dress and red lipstick, with him by my side, sharing a room and losing my v card to him because he seemed so caring and understanding about it. I mean with us both being virgins thats probably why we always made sex jokes and shit. I feel really and about just cutting him off. I know he misses me. Remember those two youtube apology videos he made? I know you never watched them or at least watched a few seconds of each one. Justin (nick name swarm) tells me that Mariano is always talking about how he misses me and stuff. I miss him sometimes, but I think it's best I move on. Right? The pressure of being 15 and having to be someones support system was too much and I caved in, I technically haven't talked to him since I was 15 but I turned sixteen like a month after I blocked him.


Okay well I guess that's all I have to say, but here's whats going on in my life right now so maybe you can look back at this list and be proud of what you've accomplished. :)


-Christmas is just around the corner! I couldn't decide between an angel or a star to put on top of the tree so I put two pictures of Angel and Avery clipped on top! ( I stole the idea from twitter ) (Angel and Avery are our family dogs)

- I plan to start taking an EKG course at Del Mar college starting January 7th! My charter school is paying for tuition as well as other students tuitions since they re taking the course as well.

- I start drivers ed December 20th! Unfortunately I'll be taking the class everyday of Christmas break until January 6th. The classes are form 10am to 12pm in the afternoon even on weekends. Which is great because I get to skip church. heh.

- We are planning on moving to Washington state around August of 2019 to be closer to Dad's parents and his brother and family. Mainly cause meme and Pepe need help and will be moving onto Uncle christians property while Dad and us move into Meme and Pepe's house with five acres surrounding it. I think Dad wants to extend the house though, I personally think it's big enough.



Oh hey, and don't Forget about Kayla Beck, your childhood friend. You guys met when you first moved to Texas in 2007 and your family was outside doing yard work and you just happened to have caught a jewel spider in a little bug cage and Kayla and her brother just happened to be walking by headed to the Faye Webb park when she came running up to you telling you not to touch the spider because it was poisonous. There use to be so many jewel spiders in our neighborhood. Okay moving on lol, keep in contact with Kayla.


Also Nina turned 13 this year! Crazy how old she has gotten. I'm really proud of her, overcoming her eating disorder and coming out as gay to her overwhelmingly accepting family who loves her so much. Please keep in contact with Christina Garza, you guys knew each other for so long, actually ever since she was around 4 and you were 6-7. Please don't lose her. <3 (throwback to me pet sitting her dog daisy) Ugh I love Nina and her family so much...

I wonder if Caitlyn, Kara, Ellie, and Emma will still be your future bridesmaids or just be distant memories of the girls you were friends with in high school by the time you read this. I'd assume you'd have new friends since you are supposed to be moving and all, you should make new friends since you might be attending Yelm high school.
Goodluck darling! Remember chin up or the crown slips. Also, facts don't care about your feelings.
Don't give up on your dreams and don't be single still by the time you get this LMAO.
Go to medical school and make yourself the best cardiothoracic surgeon you can be.


Until next time - Past Sarah 12/6/18