dear future me,

happy eighteenth.

***** before you read this, play "abandon window" by jon hopkins.

(also props to damon dominique for inspiring me to do this.)

i'm writing this on my bed, stuck in quarantine due to the 2020 coronavirus outbreak. i don't know if you'll remember, but you haven't sat in the minivan or left the neighbourhood in almost two months.

today is may 2nd, 2020.

life in quarantine at first was rough-- ari gave you the flu/possibly corona, and being sick wasn't fun. then, online school started up after we were officially in lockdown, and you got back to normal health. at least, physical health.

during this quarantine, you've had late night homework sessions, sleepless nights, dance parties, room furniture reorganisations, baking ventures, mental breakdowns, old music rediscoveries, book completions and so much more.

i watched a show called "you" which was great! 2021 should've come out with a new season, but it was actually pretty interesting. you also started watching "outer banks", but i'll get back to that in a bit.

i think you used quarantine to improve yourself. you've become more of a minimalist and started working out everyday. you've stopped wearing makeup, stopped trying so hard, started living life as an observant, not as someone who always tries to make people laugh and feel better.

online school (semester 2 of sophomore year) is going okay. it's definitely been better. hopefully you've graduated. your ap exam for ap government is on may 11; hopefully you get a 4 or a 5. i really hope between now (soon to be the past) and the future (you reading this now) you've gotten your act together with school. maybe it's your brain, maybe it's your motivation. whatever it may be, don't doubt yourself so much.

self-deprecation isn't funny, and i know it's our self-defense mechanism, but people will give up on you if you don't figure yourself out. you can do this. past-you believes in you, so hopefully present-me believes in me too.

ari is your rock, your anchor, your buddy, your best friend. i would say she's your other half, but that would imply that you must rely on others and are only half-you, so i'll just call her your twin sister. just last night you stayed up until 12, sobbing your hearts out, listening to "abandon window" by jon hopkins on repeat, which is THE SADDEST AND MOST TEAR-INDUCING AND LIFE-QUESTIONING CLASSICAL SONG I'VE EVER HEARD. if you've somehow lost contact with her or stopped talking to her or are mad at her, shame on fucking you. again. go talk to her, get in touch with her, call her, surprise-visit her, wherever she is. you should know better than to lose someone so special. and yeah, sometimes she's manipulative and bossy and greedy and constantly trying to diagnose you with a mental disorder, but it's ari. i love her, and i hope you still do too.

segway! mental illness. last night, may 1 2020, you told mama and baba about add. well, not really. ari kind of blurted out the fact that you have a list in your notes called "this is add" and saying symptoms like your inability to focus, to hold a conversation for a while, to not fidget and to remember certain things (but the list goes on. literally). well, after ari spilled the beans about that, baba called mental illness nonsense, because "everyone nowadays wants a mental illness." then, mama and baba flipped the switch (after they saw i was severely upset, probably) and said when all the quarantine/lockdown stuff is over, we'll take you to a psychiatrist and get you evaluated if you want to. right now, i don't know if i want to. if future me decides to do it, i hope it all ends well. if i don't decide to do it before you're reading this, maybe you should. think about it.

you've said on multiple occasions, to yourself, that you hate yourself. i'm not gonna waste both of our times/energy telling you some motivational bs like "love yourself" because it's not that easy, and it doesn't work; so, instead, i'm gonna give you some steps.

- immerse yourself in the things you love (right now, that can be listening to music (i recommend mrs. cold by kings of convenience), making bracelets, watching youtube and tv you like, playing clarinet/piano/whatever)
- know that seeing one "motivational" quote from pinterest won't solve your low self-esteem and self-confidence. it's a process, and a slow one at that.
- talk to people. learn to be able to let other people take care of you. i know it's tough, but you gotta trust other people and open up sometimes.

back to the topic of tv shows. "outer banks" is one of those shows that makes you feel happy because the characters are great and funny and every new episode is something to look forward to, but also super sad, because i hope to god i find friends like that and get to live a life perhaps sort of close to that. i used to think about that show everyday. i'd save as many edits of the characters as possible on instagram, i put up 3 "outer banks"-related pictures on my picture wall, one of which is my home screen on my phone. maybe it's the vibe, or the fact that i've been to the outer banks and really liked it. i don't know what it is about this goddamn show, but there's just something about that makes me sick to my stomach; i can't stop thinking about it, but i don't know if i want to. i know people always say "life is so much better in the movies, but its not real!" i know it's not real. i know i can never have what fake tv show characters have. but i still want it. which brings me to my next point:

hopefully you've found your people. right now, the only thing keeping you going is the idea that you'll meet new people in the early college program. hopefully, that idea became a reality, and you got to be around the people you deserve to be around.

i know you wanna travel the world, hopefully you've done that. at least you've gone to the outer banks a second time. hopefully you've been to greece and have had at least some freedom.

hopefully you're still in touch with your bozos. maybe you're dating stavro, who knows? well, you do. but i don't.

the only person that knows you best is you. right now, i don't even know that. i know something's missing, whatever that something is. hopefully you've found it. hopefully you've learned to control your emotions, to not fall for manipulation and traps, to do what you love and be yourself. WHOEVER THAT IS. the person that loves listening to "wide view" by marco beltrami, the person that can't stop thinking about "outer banks", the person that is missing something.

i know usually you stick with self-deprecation as a form of motivation, but let me, 15-year-old you, be the first to say: fuck that (mama and baba if you're reading this, i'm sorry for the language, but this is just what's on my mind). stop with the self-deprecation, stop with the worry, stop with the doubt, stop with the guilt, stop with the regret.

in the words of cavetown (your favourite singer right now): "life's too short to worry about things that we got wrong. so hug all your friends, and let them know you're not letting go."

you've got this. i know you do. maybe this whole damn essay wasn't what you needed to hear right now, but i don't believe we're like that. i don't believe we're those people that just say "wow i needed to hear that" and with the snap of our fingers our problems go away, either temporarily or permanently. i think it's a process, what you and me need, and it takes time.

good things take time. rome wasn't built in a day.

with love,
you.

p.s. you're worth it. it and everything.